"You don't find it a blessing to help, but rather a burden to be asked; I get that now."

A couple weeks ago in Cat and Mouse Games I shared my most recent infatutory foibles in the form of a re-kindled attraction to a high school era former friend. Funky chicken, dude!

The situation came to a head three days later, which was a day short of the day I planned to reply. I woke up to an email asking me for a "really huge favor", but without actually saying what it was. What I mean to say is that the "favor" she asked in the email didn't quite rate as "really huge" given that she only asked me to ask family and friends if they knew of any properties for rent that might fit her son's needs. Hmmm...

But a few hours later I learned what the real favor was--and I resented the sort of "bait-and-switch" nature of the email vs. her later phone call. Turned out that she had found an apartment online, and a different contact (I don't know the nature of their relationship) that was going to physically check it out for her was 90 minutes away and was unable or unwilling to do it, so would I please go instead? I was already a bit salty about the whole email ignoring deal, and when I figured out why she was contacting me then, those feelings grew a bit stronger. But I was unskillful in my response--I should have explained what was happening with me right then. Instead, I affected a cool, distant demeanor, and once she finally directly asked me if I would go look at the apartment for her, I politely declined. Sounding shocked, she asked me why not. I crypticly responded that I didn't feel it was my role. While I was willing to help in some ways, I really wasn't interested in spending almost three hours on a bus to participate in her Help Me Move My Son to a Town Neither He Nor I Have Ever Visited project. Once she got that I wasn't going to be visiting that apartment for her, she couldn't get off the phone fast enough. To be fair, I suspect the frosty vibe I was fronting may have been more the reason.

I was feeling both regret and irritation once off the phone. I was not at my best at that moment--on the phone, and even before--choosing to interpret the events in such a negative way. I might have even been "right" about how I was seeing things--but even so, I could have been more conscious and compassionate. So I wrote her a short email explaining why I was annoyed (being ignored or unnoticed until my help was expected). A couple hours later I received another call from her--this time from home (the first was from her job). I assumed she had read my email, but I was wrong. She called because she was weirded out by how I was on the phone with her earlier. So...I explained things to her again. She claimed a sort of "eureka!" moment where she said she understood why I might have reacted negatively to her appeals for help--after not getting any response to my email for two weeks. But the "understanding" stopped there, because she was put off by my unwillingness to check out places for her, claiming that she would have happily done the same for me.

Eventually I got a response to the email I sent after our first call of the day, as follows:

My goal is to only ever be a blessing and never a burden. I see life in terms of love and people in terms of how I can best be loving towards them. I find it a blessing when I can help someone. So, if I can ever help you, I hope you will let me know. You don't find it a blessing to help, but rather a burden to be asked; I get that now.

Call me paranoid, but that last line could be interpreted as an attack. So, I'm not sure we are friends any more, or if we ever were.

After all this, I clearly have some work to do.

Mucking about, trying to decide what to do next...

A little more than a week ago I received a rare phone call from a business associate who had hired me over eight years ago to help him service a major player in the wireless communications industry. While we've had our ups and downs over the years, the one thing that always supported good outcomes for our client was our mutual commitment to clear, professional communication. However, in more recent months this has not been the case. It was confusing to me--it seemed that my services were still required, and I continued receiving projects directly from our client. But my business associate stopped communicating with me--which also meant he stopped giving me projects, which effectively cut my hours to almost nothing for the past few months. Along the way I learned that he hired someone new, but elected not to inform me, which was weird. (We've had several other people join and leave our team during the years we worked together--and it always happened "in the open".) So, I surmised that I was probably going to be terminated.

My former associate pretended as if the past six months were no different than the preceding 96. I quickly deduced what the call was about, and resolved to maintain my dignity and composure throughout. I knew I was being fired and my main hope was that my time and attention would not be too severely tested by having to listen to someone lying and making excuses. This was a business relationship, not a marriage. I wish my former client and business associate every success. They are all good people, and while I would be reluctant to work with this former associate again, despite retaining respect for the years of excellent service we provided our client together, I would welcome working with this client again should the opportunity arise.

In a way, this is all quite liberating. For months I was wondering when that proverbial "other shoe" would drop, and now it has. No more fantasizing about things "improving" or going back to the way they were when times were more prosperous. I wasn't completely happy with that business relationship, and I think this compromised my enthusiasm for some of the work I was doing. So this is an opportunity to restructure my business, and start doing things in a better way. 

I have a few challenges to overcome, but most of them are figments of my own imagination. Even though there are as yet no followers of this blog (except for the laudable ErocX1), I hope that I will soon have a few fellow travelers along for the ride. Of course, this means that I need to write things that will interest them.

So...what to write?

Well, what is it that I am up to, here? For years and years I carried a belief, if not a true understanding, that by changing my thoughts I can change my life. And yet, I never seem to maintain enough focus, discipline, determintation, or persistence to actually test this belief, or convert it into a real knowing. Can this time be different? Let's try to find out.

Cat and Mouse Games

My original title for this post was going to be something like My impatience and shaky self-esteem get the better of me. I can get a bit annoyed with people when they do not respond to email, texts, or phone messages. A few months ago I shared the links to all my blogs with an old friend from my high school days, thinking she might enjoy reading my thoughts, as we've enjoyed reconnecting over the past few months. I've even posted things that were inspired by conversations we had, thinking she might be inspired to weigh in, or at least inspire an interesting discussion online or over the phone. But, there is no evidence of that.

So, I'm playing cat and mouse now, seeing if she really means the things she says.

I kind of poured out my heart to her a couple weeks back--I was feeling close to her and sort of "reached out" via email with a voice attachment. Not a word back from her. A week later I wrote her again, wondering what she thought of the voice message. I didn't hear anything from her for almost a week after that, and when I did, it was obvious that she hadn't read either email. Later that same day, I finally got some acknowledgement of the email in question. I guess she's been busy.

I know it's kind of juvenile, but I don't feel like replying to the emails I just got from her right away. Call it "passive-aggression" if you like, but it might also be a case of someone trying to dial back some feelings in order to enjoy a more grounded experience of deepening friendship. I can also take responsibility for the things I am feeling, as well as release any shame over being rejected by someone I've been attracted to.

At the end of the day, it's all groovy. Because I am doing just fine where I am, and have had more than enough long-distance romance at this point in my life.

Squeak!