I'm taking another break from Facebook. The last time, which was also the last time I posted here, lasted only a week. I suspect this will be the same...but maybe not. Let's see how this goes, shall we?
I say "with less drama" this time because the factors involved are less emotional, and I'm not in the kind of funk I was about Facebook privacy issues (but this still concerns me), or about so-called faux friends (although this idea continues to stir my evaluative imagination from time to time). I just felt like getting away for a bit. Like taking the phone off the hook, or going up to a mountain cabin for a week without phone, internet, whatever.
Since the previous post, and the week that followed, I made some changes to how I did Facebook. One of the first things I did upon my return was delete a bunch of people, about a third of my "friends" at that time. Most of these were people that were unresponsive--they either ignored personal efforts to directly communicate with them, or they never commented on what I contributed, whether it was to my own wall or to theirs. This applied to most of the cousins and other kin I removed, along with old college and high school chums. This felt so liberating. I think I hadn't done it sooner because I had some concerns about hurting their feelings, which ultimately translates to my (not very consciously) giving a shit what they thought about me--even though they never even acknowledged my existence in the first place. I'll probably due some more pruning whenever I go back on this break. This is a very good thing, for me.
Some of them were people I knew rather well at some point or another, but the years had not been so kind to our connection. There seemed to be a sort of brusqueness to the limited amount of exchange we managed to have. Not friendly. One person I deleted was a sort of "emotional milestone" for me in that she was a woman who once pursued me as a lover, and at the time I thought I was way out-classed by her. She was older, beautiful, creative, and she smelled really good. At first I couldn't understand why she would be interested in plain, old "me"! But in the short time that we hung out, I got to know her a little--enough to take her off her pedestal, and I decided that "Yes! I am worthy!" But...I was too late. She got bored with me, or whatever it was. I was haunted by that for many years since. The Goddess that got away. I thought that was all in the past when I ran into her after many years of being out of contact, and I broke down into tears when I saw her. She was very sweet with me. I hadn't recognized how deeply I felt, or how much I was still clinging to that dream. And eventually, we became friends on Facebook. But it was never very friendly. And I finally came to a place which said "Prem, it's OK to let her go. She's a beautiful being, living a beautiful life, and you can be happy for her...and let her go." And I have.
It's weird that a person's presence on some computerized social network list would have so much impact on us, but it's a self-selection sort of deal, isn't it? I mean, people who derive pleasure from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, whatever have a sort of investment in the whole thing. For some it's probably only financial--they are busy marketing their wares. Others experience what might be called "community" in those spaces. And still others find these tools a convenient way to keep in touch with real life friends and family. There are surely other "categories" that could be thought up, and many of us might find ourselves in more than one. But people who only hear about Facebook and things like it, but have never done it themselves--they have no idea. And they might even laugh derisively at people who put so much stock into such things. But they wonder why people aren't as fascinated with their new living room set as they are...(because we all have a kind of "tunnel vision" don't we?)
I have to confess that there remains some "stickiness" around this break that am taking...a bit of "I'll show them" if you know what I mean. Oh? You DON'T? Well...oftentimes I assume that the world revolves around me. My world. My perspective. And everything I experience has me at the focal point. It's kind of natural, if illusory. Most people probably experience their lives this way, even though they can intellectually step outside this view and consider the possibility that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. One of the things that frustrates me about people, maybe because I'm guilty of it myself, is when their words are not backed up by actions. Again, these instances, the ones that concern me most, are the ones that involve ME. For example--people who continue to talk about how much they want to get together, or suggest that we meet for lunch or dinner, but then seem to avoid the subject as soon as I respond "Sure! When and where?" I have this sort of thing happening with four different people right now.
One of them is probably my best friend in terms of being someone who I actually spend a fair amount of time with. She gets a pass on this one. She's really busy, and just because I wish we could get together more often and I get frustrated by her communication style (she prefers texting to talking), the years have proven her to be a real friend, and so I just need to cultivate some patience with her, and more importantly, with myself.
The others are an ex-girlfriend, a former co-worker from over 20 years ago, and an "almost friend" I've known for over 10 years who seems to like me, but also seems to keep me at a "safe distance" at the same time.
I haven't seen the "ex" since before I moved to Mexico in 2000. We've been in email contact since that time. Every so often she has suggested that it would be nice if we got together for coffee, or a meal--but in each instance when I respond with my phone numbers and some times and dates, I don't hear anything back from her. I just figured she got busy or changed her mind. That is, until it happened a couple more times over the years. Now I'm wondering whether she needs me to take charge of the situation? I just thought of this as I was typing here today. My own imagination had been running along other lines--that maybe she didn't want to make her current boyfriend uncomfortable, or something? (I know she has a boyfriend, but she doesn't mention him very often--publicly or privately. So I don't know what kind of a relationship they have.) Truth is, I have no idea what's going on, with her, or the other folks that I'm feeling "sticky" around. But the MIND wants to have explanations, reasons...answers to the question "Why?" A really good friend of mine, someone I feel very close to, but have never met, has been a sort of "big sister" when it comes to my emotional process, and she challenges me every time I want to know the "Why?" of a situation. I wish I could remember how she said it to me as it was rather eloquent. I don't think I would do it justice if I tried. Suffice to say, she suggested that in matters of the heart, the "Why" factor is meaningless...or pointless. I think she's onto something there. And yet, I keep catching myself, wanting to know "Why?"
Similarly, I don't really know what's going on with the others, not enough to give my mind the explanation of "Why?" it demands. The facts at their simplest is that they've expressed some interest in getting together or being in closer/more frequent contact, but don't appear ready or willing to move that along when offered. That's pretty much, IT. And it's my own loneliness or whatever that infuses the situation with all the extra drama and the "need" for explanations of their behavior. Putting the shoe on the other foot--I'd hate to have to explain all the things I do, or choose not to do, especially when it comes to "demands" that are made by others.
Ultimately, all this stuff really does revolve around me, because it's in my head. It's up to me on how I frame it. Framing it in terms of other people being unreliable or flaky is not a very beautiful thing. It is unkind of me to do so. That's not how I want to be. I wouldn't want someone else doing that to me. Perhaps it is worthwhile to recognize that it happens, though? To peer into it a bit with a bit of awareness so that whatever programming, conditioning, whatnot that underlies it doesn't, well...run amok!
And that really boils down to the basic principle that seems to make all the difference to my quality of life, anyway--becoming more conscious and more present.
Namaste.
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