I deactivated my Facebook account a couple days ago. It seemed the right time. While I love (or at least, like very much) Facebook, and had been able to craft it into a form that sort of "worked" for me, I didn't like the way it was occupying my consciousness. It was kind of distracting, without delivering enough in return.
I'll try to explain.
I never spent a lot of actual time on Facebook, at least, not compared to the amount of time Facebook had occupied my consciousness, my attention. My modus operandi was to jump on from time-to-time, see what was happening, and if someone wrote me or responded to something I posted or wrote, I'd take a look at it. Usually I'd spend 20-30 minutes checking videos or pages shared by other people, and sometimes pass them along. But that was about it.
Yet...every 5 to 10 minutes I'd find myself interrupting my work (or non-work) if I was near a computer or web connection, just to see if anyone sent me anything or otherwise acknowledged my existence of Facebook. It was kind of ridiculous...because most of the time, there was no cute little red icon up in the main menu bar to greet me...and I would feel a little "let down" as a result. This kind of thing is evidence of some sort of psychological dependency. I may have been feeling "great" before checking my page, but as soon as I was reminded how unimportant I am, I would feel a little bummed out.
Neurotic, this.
Of course, there were remedies. Instead of being full of Self I could reach out to others--and then...they'd eventually reach back. A kind of passive-aggressive quid pro quo in a sense. Oh sure, I shared many things un-cynically as well...and it was gratifying to learn that some of these things enriched the lives of others. Did I mention that I quite like (almost love) Facebook?
But then a friend shared an interesting article, that really got me thinking. The article is a bit sloppy and self-indulgent. The author sort of "whines" throughout, and I discovered he comes off just as annoyingly in a radio interview I found about his article. Nevertheless, he raises some interesting points, made all the more interesting by the fact that the person sharing the article seemed to illustrate much of the stuff the author criticized about Facebook, even as my friend was claiming to change his own approach based on it.
A few words about my friend. At one point, he really did seem like a real friend. Not my best friend, but a friend I spent time with, had meals with, partied with, and even was a guest in his home. We had a falling out over some problems I had with a mutual friend about seven years ago, and being more loyal and connected to our mutual friend than he was to me, he ended our friendship and refused further contact from me.
That smarted, quite a bit at the time, 'cause I really liked this guy. He was cool, and we had certain things in common that his other friend, the one I had problems with, didn't. Every so often I would try to contact this person, but never heard back from him. Then back in April or May this year I found him on Facebook, and I thought I would take a risk and see if he was willing to be friends there. I was delighted that not only did he accept my friend request, but it seemed all the animosity he once had for me had disappeared and he sounded authentically pleased to be back in contact with me again. I was really happy about this.
In fact, I made a point to visit him at his job one time when I was in the neighborhood. I asked if it was OK--I didn't just show up. And he was excited to see me. Because he was working it was a short visit, but we hugged, exchanged phone numbers, and he encouraged me to call him sometime. Awesome.
Meanwhile, on Facebook, he would include me in invites to share a great bottle of wine he had, or enjoy a meal together, and so on. But oddly enough, whenever I would raise the subject in a private message on Facebook, I would be ignored. And when I would try calling him, per his invitation to do so, he would never answer his phone, nor would he call me back. Hmmmm... I wondered what this was all about? Why invite me to hang out or chat on the phone, and then appear to dodge those things. As an experiment I tried texting his phone, and he got right back to me. So...texting was OK; talking...not so much.
Occasionally when I would call, leave a message, and not hear anything back, I'd wonder if I had somehow rubbed this person the wrong way. After all, he kind of dumped me without any explanation or discussion once upon a time...might he not do so again? But then I'd receive positive comments about something I shared or wrote, and even occasional references about still wanting to talk on the phone or get together. Finally, I thought I had accepted that this guy just wasn't into it, or at least, not ready for it, and was also incapable of telling me so, plainly and directly. It was kind of disappointing trying to square the person of integrity I thought I knew with the person I was seeing who kept writing checks with their words that their actions betrayed zero intention of cashing.
When he posted the article on Faux Friendship on Facebook, I thought he would be appreciative of my efforts to honor his desire to have more real relationships outside the somewhat artificial ones fostered by Facebook and similar services. So...I tried calling him, One. More. Time.
I referenced his recent comments about "faux friendship" and that I hoped he had the makings of a real friendship, and that I was ready and able to meet him for coffee, or a meal or whatever. I thought, for sure, he would respond this time.
But no...it's been nearly a week and I haven't heard a thing back from him.
And I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I put so much energy into hoping our friendship was real and worth putting some effort into. I don't fault my perhaps-faux friend. I'm sure he's doing the best he can with whatever is going on in his life. I don't even want to question his integrity the way I have. I've given him opportunities to explain himself, and where he can be really chatty and communicative about other things, he is oddly silent on this subject. I just don't get it. Why share a phone number and say you want to get together, and then avoid the subject wherever and whenever it comes up? I mean, you could at least say--"I'm really busy right now." Or "I need to wait for the right time" or whatever.
A few days before he posted the article, someone tagged him in a photo with his dog. Now, I had heard a lot about this pooch and seen quite a few photos on my friend's page indicating how much he loved this dog etc. Just for fun, I decided to remain true to my commitment to stop pressing my "friend" about his offer to get together or talk on the phone. Instead I would comment that it would be fun to meet his dog. Kind of sneaky of me, because I was trying to see if this might provoke yet another offer or comment about wanting to get together in the flesh...and surprise, surprise. It did. He said that he'd love for me to meet his dog, and he would love to see me too.
Really?
If that were true, I would think you might respond to my proposals to get together, or accept a call from me, or call me back, even.
There were other similar cases on Facebook. It just so happens that his was the most ironic. I have a few other "friends" who say they "miss seeing me" but when I suggest getting together, they don't respond. Ever. Then a few weeks will go by and I hear from them again, and it's as if they don't remember that we've already covered this ground, I offered to get together, they ignored me, and I may have even mentioned that it was weird that they would keep coming back and telling me they missed me, but didn't seem interested in actually doing something.
Of course, I have to be honest and recognize that I'm sensitive to this kind of bullshit because I've been guilty of it in the past. I'm much better about it these days--not perfect, but somewhat reformed. And you know how intolerant former smokers can be of people who still smoke, right? Maybe it's like that. I'm uptight with people pretending to be my close friend because I was similarly disingenuous with others in the past. I don't know. Maybe this is true?
In any event, getting off Facebook will be a "good thing" for me. Even if I miss it, which I do. And I think it will accomplish one more thing, beyond getting the Facebook monkey off my back. It will prove, once and for all, that some f these "friends" who I know in real life, but who now seem incapable of relating to me in any form outside of Facebook...that they are not my friends, in any sense of the word, and I can let them go, in peace, wishing them well on their respective journeys, and hopefully, without resentment on my part.
Because, ultimately--my experience, all of it, is my responsibility and no one else's.
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