Recognizing, and accepting, the HypoCritic Within

During the 90s I was blessed with a large community of Osho friends living in the Seattle area, along with the Suravi Osho Meditation Center. During that time I became friends with a Russian/Danish swami (male sannyasins were called "swami", females "ma") who was quite enthusiastic about Dynamic meditation, possibly the most rigorous of Osho's "active" meditation techniques. Outside of festivals, living in an ashram, or visiting "the Ranch", Dynamic was always a challenge for me; I had a hard time getting motivated. But my friend, "BB"*, had a knack for getting people to join him--his enthusiasm was infectious.

After an hour of morning meditation, we would visit for coffee and chat. I knew from our conversations that BB was ethnically Jewish, but non-practicing. In fact, even today I believe he identifies as an atheist. He seemed, like many sannyasins of the time, to view ethnic conflicts as the result of ignorance--the identification of the mind with a particularly story, each side with its own villains and victims. He didn't seem political at all at the time, but I just didn't know him as well as I assumed, seeing only what I wanted to see.

I admired him, actually. He was very intelligent, had a great sense of humor, was compassionate and loving, kind of stubborn in certain areas--witnessed an ongoing dispute he had with a mutual friend over a business deal gone wrong. He was very committed to working on himself, and inspired then, as I continue to be, by the teachings of the controversial Indian mystic previously known as Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

After Osho died, the Seattle sannyasin community slowly evaporated until few of the "internationals" remained--many returning to their countries of origin, with others just moving on to something new. Suravi closed, and I lost touch with many of my old friends. But I managed to keep in touch with BB for a brief period when the internet was gearing up in the latter 90s. BB was one of my first friends on ICQ and he was possibly the only person I personally knew who was interested in using Phil Zimmerman's public key encryption software, PGP, when writing email. He had moved to the Hawaiian island paradise of Molokaʻi with his Thai girlfriend, who was also a sannyasin (to the best of my recollection). But eventually we lost touch, for more than a decade.

A couple years ago I tracked him down--he was still living in Hawaii and by his account, had settled into a really beautiful life there. Even more impressive for me was the fact that he was with the same woman all those years later. (This is more a reflection on my own track history with relationships than any judgment around BB.) We started Skyping--but that was tough because of latency issues with our connection that BB seemed intent on placing at my doorstep, and so much of the conversations were side-tracked by him complaining about the connection quality, and disparaging my unwillingness to devote more time to improving it. (I never received the same complaints Skyping with friends in the UK, Mexico, or Australia....) Anyhow, our conversations didn't go smoothly, and the subject matter only made things worse.

Two years ago when I searched for BB's whereabouts online, I came across someone with the same name, but dramatically different political views from the guy I remembered. It took some time before I conceded that it was, in fact, my former friend. BB had become a rather militant Zionist, reflexively paranoid of any criticism of the government of Israel--with the "if you're not with me, you're against me" mentality that is quick to pull out the "anti-semitism" card.

[This is the point in a post like this where I am expected to explain how and why I am NOT an anti-Semite. I won't do this, beyond the words I am typing right now. I will go on record and say that just as I believe there are honorable people serving in the US military, who sincerely believe they are contributing to something noble and "good", that I respect and love them as fellow human beings, brothers and sisters on planet earth, I do not support the enterprise they are a party to as I believe it to be immoral and based on deception. By the same token, I do not support the actions of the militants on any side of the "middle east conflict". I believe the Israelis are just as guilty as their opponents--despite the fact that as an American, I would probably be more "at home" in the midst of Israeli culture as it is comparatively "Western" and nominally "democratic". I think rocket attacks, gun attacks, bus bombings, etc. are all fucked up. I also disagree with high tech military responses that seem to deliberately disregard the lives of non-combatants. For me, none of the parties has the moral high ground, despite the previously mentioned fact that the Israelis are probably less "other" for me than their Arab neighbors.]

I am blessed with some very thoughtful, wise, and compassionate Jewish friends. Most of them are "liberal" politically, but despite their misgivings about settlement building, or some of the methods used by the IDF to protect Israel, at the end of the day, they will support Israel. Given the history of the Jewish people, particularly at the hands of so-called "Christians" (at least until very recently), I sympathize with and respect their right to their position. It is a very sensitive subject, and as carefully as I try to parse my words here, trying to temper my criticism of Israel with similar misgivings about my own country's use of force around the world, most recently in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and perhaps soon, Iran (a subject for a separate article), what I have written in the last two paragraphs will likely offend a lot of people. Good thing no one reads this blog, eh?

So, back to BB. Once we started corresponding and then Skyping, I was surprised to discover how strong, even militant, his views had become. Gone was the sense that all humanity is, at its deepest core, one family. Newly minted was the idea that Tribal Groups are IMPORTANT, and their identity and prosperity must be protected and preserved, at any cost--even if it demanded the total annihilation of its "enemies".

I was shocked by this, because Jews, Palestinians, Kurds, Armenians, Native Americans, enslaved-Africans-and-their-descendants, Tutsis, Hutus, Roma, Hmong, (where do I stop??) are not the only peoples to have suffered tragic treatment throughout human history. And I will dignify no argument that tries to hold up one group's suffering as more significant or egregious than that of another. The simple truth is that those of us here, today, right now--have to get along with each other as best we can, without constantly referring to the past as some justification for trying to gain some advantage, as a pale excuse for not dealing with descendants of former "enemies" equitably. I don't argue that we ignore the past either--events of the past can have strong ripple effects into the future, and it can be useful to recognize this. But we can choose a better way, one that mitigates the tendency to perpetuate past bullshit.

BB echoed all the conservative Zionist talking points: that the Arabs started it, they didn't improve the land as the settlers from Europe did (a familiar argument here in North America), there is no such thing as a "Palestinian", Muslims don't respect life the way non-Muslims do (so it's easy for them to become suicide bombers), and so on.... It had become all so black and white to him. The Israelis were innocent victims, full stop. The Arabs (Palestinians) were something less-than-human, savage, uncivilized. I did say I was shocked.

Suffice to say, our conversations didn't continue for very long, and though it matters little, I was not the one who suspended it. I really wanted to understand what happened, how he could (seemingly) change so radically. But what I am finally recognizing is that the stark contrast between the person I used to know, and the person I see today--is a product of my own reality tunnel. I saw in BB what I wanted to see, both then and now. I never "got" who he was--furthermore, I probably will never completely "get" who ANYONE is. Because, like something Alan Watts used to say---we are more like verbs than nouns. We are doings...  We are "peopling" rather than "people". This fits better with the non-Aristotelian approach offered by Korzybski's General Semantics. So I may be reacting to my own neuro-semantic process more than anything else. My "shock" has its roots in my own ignorance, my own inability to see "what is...." clearly.

What prompted all this? Why today, of all days? Well, it may be due to the confluence of some recent events--I have been actively building my Twitter networks, and I discovered BB's feed, which contains even more strident language ("all Muslims are liars", gays are referred to as "fags", you get the picture) than I recall him using on Skype. The heating up of events in Gaza and Israel are probably also in my thoughts.

I find myself wanting to judge BB, to find him "in error" somehow. Yet I know this would be falling into the very kind of ego-based mind-identification that I feel taunted by as I think of my former friend who I once admired for being so spiritual, disciplined, compassionate, and loving. My desire to make him "wrong" is no different from his declarations that "all Muslims" are somehow the same, and less worthy of life and happiness, just because "some" Muslims behave badly.

(*Note that I have changed some of the real life details to protect BB's privacy.)

Krikey! The (former) Director of the CIA doesn't encrypt his email!! WTF???

Actually, I am not too terribly shocked. Few people seem to care that their email isn't private.

Welcome to the Facebook generation, where each person's life is like a reality TV show!

I thought I might write a post about whether Petraeus might still be the Director of the CIA had he the sense to encrypt his email--after all, he's supposed to be running an Intelligence organization which must use encryption in its own communications. But, someone else beat me to it: What Petraeus Did Wrong- No Encryption. This excellent article discusses secure communication online beyond encryption, and makes the point that, even with encryption, there would have been an electronic trail indicating contact between the respective parties. Still--the FBI might not have so easily determined that an "inappropriate" relationship had taken place if they could not have read the contents of those emails.

No, aside from Petraeus's penis short-circuiting his thought process (happens to me too, bro!), it seems this thing blew up thanks to Paula Broadwell stopping short of putting on an adult diaper and driving to Tampa with a 2-pound drilling hammer, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags. Broadwell (allegedly) sent scary stalker emails instead.

A word to the wise--and NOT just to folks trying to get away with a little something an the side: encrypt your email--GnuPG is free and available for most computer operating systems, including Windows!

Rim Country Gazette: Add Papa John's to boycott list

Rim Country Gazette: Add Papa John's to boycott list:

'via Blog this'

So-called "Obamacare" is not the solution to US healthcare that I would prefer--I would rather see something more like what Canada, the U.K., and other nations not generally lambasted as "communist" are doing. But the for-profit healthcare "industry" would never permit this. And for all the people bitching and moaning about "socialism", ask yourselves this: would you rather have a privatized military (Blackwater and similar tax-payer gouging ripoffs notwithstanding)? Probably not. Fucking socialist hypocrites!

I am not, nor will I ever be, a Papa John's Pizza customer--because I don't like their pizza. (I do like pizza.) But if I were, I probably would have stopped giving them my business when their owner started whining about how much less wealthy he would be as a result of providing his underpaid workers with health insurance under the Affordable Care Act. Sorry Mr. Schnatter--but you are acting like a total dick.

Years ago when Washington state attempted to pass a "death with dignity" (read: euthanasia) law, my then-employer, Providence Health Plans, owned by the Sisters of Providence, a Catholic sister (nun) organization, strongly advised us to vote against it. But they didn't threaten our jobs--how could they, short of following each one of us into the voting booth and looking over our shoulders? Even so, many of us were offended that they were sticking their noses into our private affairs. It wasn't a two-way street, after all--our employers would have had little patience for any complaints we might have about other policies of their church. But that was small potatoes compared to the veiled, and not-so-veiled threats from Obama opponents being floated since before, and now after, the recent election.

This is America, of course, and John Schnatter is entitled to run his business anyway he wishes. But we don't have to help him. I don't want to see any of his employees out on the street either. But I don't think it's too much to ask an employer to dial-back their greed a couple of notches for the common good.

Neuroscientist Sees 'Proof of Heaven' - Yahoo!

First of all, Yahoo! routinely sets its videos to launch upon the page opening--which tends to annoy me.

You have been warned.

Neuroscientist Sees 'Proof of Heaven' - Yahoo!: Sure.

One thing though--how is this any different than the revelations of thousands of (often conflicting) accounts of various "believers" throughout history? We just have to take their word for it. Burning bushes that talk? Trust Moses. Snakes that talk? Adam and Eve have that one covered. Mohammad receiving the Holy Quran from the Archangel Gabriel, letting us know that Jews and Christians only got it partially right, but now we have the "final word" and so forth? Absolutely. Trust Mohammad.

I cannot say whether there is an afterlife of some kind. I honestly don't know. But I am not going to spin my wheels in the sand trying to comfort myself with the presumed traction accounts like this one offers, because it is completely subjective.

Full disclosure: I have some previous experiences with hallucinogens like DMT, psilocybin. and mescaline. Yet, were I to report that I had "proof" of Heaven or anything else of the kind base on "drug experiences", most people would reject such information without giving it a second thought. This is ironic as these same folks wouldn't even need to take my word for it--they could take the journey for themselves. But few would, because "drugs are 'bad'".

I understand why these stories can be so appealing. Death is a frightening prospect for most people, and the thought of somehow continuing some sort of conscious existence post-mortem provides some comfort (unless one also believes in "hell", I suppose).

But let's not kid ourselves that anecdotal evidence is somehow more persuasive simply because a person can be described as a "scientist". There are many so-called "rational" people who scoff at things like astrology, but still believe that a Judean preacher was miraculously spawned without the aid of human sperm, performed miracles like walking on water and raising the dead, and then came back from the grave himself. Why? Because the one is "pseudoscience" where the other is "the truth".

Humans have the remarkable ability (or suffer the burden) being able to hold several conflicting viewpoints at the same time. Some people are stridently "pro-life" to the point where they will murder abortion doctors and passionately support war and the death penalty.

Finally--this account doesn't settle any of the more pressing issues that abound from the fact that most major religions are exclusive about who gets to go to heaven. Depending on who is doing the talking, if you are not a Christian, Muslim, Pentecostal, or whatever, you are DOOMED! According to the story above, none of that matters. (On that point I suspect this could be true--but I won't "know" for sure until....well...you get the picture.)


'via Blog this'

So now that you are here (presumably), how do you like it?

If ever there was a nice week for coming to Seattle for the very first time to plant one's first-born for the anticipated "long haul," this one is a great contender.

You guys lucked out.

Would rain have lowered your prospects at all? Probably not--but you'll have one less thing to fuss with in an unfamiliar town without having to deal with the wet and the gray.

So....

Good Luck!

I wasn't sure how annoyed you were with what happened. I figured if you really were looking forward to seeing me as much as you said, that I might have heard from you once you got into town--a "long shot" I will grant you. Especially given our last convo. 

Enjoy Seattle, and best of luck finding your 26 year old a place to live. It's a wonderful place to live, and I expected you and your daughter will really enjoy visiting out here in the coming years.

"You don't find it a blessing to help, but rather a burden to be asked; I get that now."

A couple weeks ago in Cat and Mouse Games I shared my most recent infatutory foibles in the form of a re-kindled attraction to a high school era former friend. Funky chicken, dude!

The situation came to a head three days later, which was a day short of the day I planned to reply. I woke up to an email asking me for a "really huge favor", but without actually saying what it was. What I mean to say is that the "favor" she asked in the email didn't quite rate as "really huge" given that she only asked me to ask family and friends if they knew of any properties for rent that might fit her son's needs. Hmmm...

But a few hours later I learned what the real favor was--and I resented the sort of "bait-and-switch" nature of the email vs. her later phone call. Turned out that she had found an apartment online, and a different contact (I don't know the nature of their relationship) that was going to physically check it out for her was 90 minutes away and was unable or unwilling to do it, so would I please go instead? I was already a bit salty about the whole email ignoring deal, and when I figured out why she was contacting me then, those feelings grew a bit stronger. But I was unskillful in my response--I should have explained what was happening with me right then. Instead, I affected a cool, distant demeanor, and once she finally directly asked me if I would go look at the apartment for her, I politely declined. Sounding shocked, she asked me why not. I crypticly responded that I didn't feel it was my role. While I was willing to help in some ways, I really wasn't interested in spending almost three hours on a bus to participate in her Help Me Move My Son to a Town Neither He Nor I Have Ever Visited project. Once she got that I wasn't going to be visiting that apartment for her, she couldn't get off the phone fast enough. To be fair, I suspect the frosty vibe I was fronting may have been more the reason.

I was feeling both regret and irritation once off the phone. I was not at my best at that moment--on the phone, and even before--choosing to interpret the events in such a negative way. I might have even been "right" about how I was seeing things--but even so, I could have been more conscious and compassionate. So I wrote her a short email explaining why I was annoyed (being ignored or unnoticed until my help was expected). A couple hours later I received another call from her--this time from home (the first was from her job). I assumed she had read my email, but I was wrong. She called because she was weirded out by how I was on the phone with her earlier. So...I explained things to her again. She claimed a sort of "eureka!" moment where she said she understood why I might have reacted negatively to her appeals for help--after not getting any response to my email for two weeks. But the "understanding" stopped there, because she was put off by my unwillingness to check out places for her, claiming that she would have happily done the same for me.

Eventually I got a response to the email I sent after our first call of the day, as follows:

My goal is to only ever be a blessing and never a burden. I see life in terms of love and people in terms of how I can best be loving towards them. I find it a blessing when I can help someone. So, if I can ever help you, I hope you will let me know. You don't find it a blessing to help, but rather a burden to be asked; I get that now.

Call me paranoid, but that last line could be interpreted as an attack. So, I'm not sure we are friends any more, or if we ever were.

After all this, I clearly have some work to do.

Mucking about, trying to decide what to do next...

A little more than a week ago I received a rare phone call from a business associate who had hired me over eight years ago to help him service a major player in the wireless communications industry. While we've had our ups and downs over the years, the one thing that always supported good outcomes for our client was our mutual commitment to clear, professional communication. However, in more recent months this has not been the case. It was confusing to me--it seemed that my services were still required, and I continued receiving projects directly from our client. But my business associate stopped communicating with me--which also meant he stopped giving me projects, which effectively cut my hours to almost nothing for the past few months. Along the way I learned that he hired someone new, but elected not to inform me, which was weird. (We've had several other people join and leave our team during the years we worked together--and it always happened "in the open".) So, I surmised that I was probably going to be terminated.

My former associate pretended as if the past six months were no different than the preceding 96. I quickly deduced what the call was about, and resolved to maintain my dignity and composure throughout. I knew I was being fired and my main hope was that my time and attention would not be too severely tested by having to listen to someone lying and making excuses. This was a business relationship, not a marriage. I wish my former client and business associate every success. They are all good people, and while I would be reluctant to work with this former associate again, despite retaining respect for the years of excellent service we provided our client together, I would welcome working with this client again should the opportunity arise.

In a way, this is all quite liberating. For months I was wondering when that proverbial "other shoe" would drop, and now it has. No more fantasizing about things "improving" or going back to the way they were when times were more prosperous. I wasn't completely happy with that business relationship, and I think this compromised my enthusiasm for some of the work I was doing. So this is an opportunity to restructure my business, and start doing things in a better way. 

I have a few challenges to overcome, but most of them are figments of my own imagination. Even though there are as yet no followers of this blog (except for the laudable ErocX1), I hope that I will soon have a few fellow travelers along for the ride. Of course, this means that I need to write things that will interest them.

So...what to write?

Well, what is it that I am up to, here? For years and years I carried a belief, if not a true understanding, that by changing my thoughts I can change my life. And yet, I never seem to maintain enough focus, discipline, determintation, or persistence to actually test this belief, or convert it into a real knowing. Can this time be different? Let's try to find out.

Cat and Mouse Games

My original title for this post was going to be something like My impatience and shaky self-esteem get the better of me. I can get a bit annoyed with people when they do not respond to email, texts, or phone messages. A few months ago I shared the links to all my blogs with an old friend from my high school days, thinking she might enjoy reading my thoughts, as we've enjoyed reconnecting over the past few months. I've even posted things that were inspired by conversations we had, thinking she might be inspired to weigh in, or at least inspire an interesting discussion online or over the phone. But, there is no evidence of that.

So, I'm playing cat and mouse now, seeing if she really means the things she says.

I kind of poured out my heart to her a couple weeks back--I was feeling close to her and sort of "reached out" via email with a voice attachment. Not a word back from her. A week later I wrote her again, wondering what she thought of the voice message. I didn't hear anything from her for almost a week after that, and when I did, it was obvious that she hadn't read either email. Later that same day, I finally got some acknowledgement of the email in question. I guess she's been busy.

I know it's kind of juvenile, but I don't feel like replying to the emails I just got from her right away. Call it "passive-aggression" if you like, but it might also be a case of someone trying to dial back some feelings in order to enjoy a more grounded experience of deepening friendship. I can also take responsibility for the things I am feeling, as well as release any shame over being rejected by someone I've been attracted to.

At the end of the day, it's all groovy. Because I am doing just fine where I am, and have had more than enough long-distance romance at this point in my life.

Squeak!

Adventures in Linux

For the last couple of months I've been somewhat smitten, or at least lightly bitten, by the Linux bug.

Back in '06 or so I put a few distros onto my first XP box in a multi-boot setup. I don't even remember which ones, but I'm pretty sure they included Knoppix, Fedora, Mandrake, and possibly SuSe. I lost interest about a year later, so I removed the Linux distros and restored the space for use by XP.

I've dabbled with a "live" CD from time to time, but without the ability to make persistent changes, I felt no strong compulsion to pursue things further. But when I learned about the possibility running Linux off a USB flash drive with perstistence, my interest level jumped. Thanks to PloP, I learned I could boot off a USB using my circa 2005 computers. I started by burning a few live DVDs and CDs, and started experimenting. I tried more than 20 different distributions, but narrowed my focus to distros that supported both the Dvorak keyboard layout, and connecting to my wireless network. Along the way I discovered a number of tools for creating bootable USB drives from disk ISOs. 

I have since learned that distros built from Ubuntu feature a very simple persistence feature, so I have mostly worked with Linux Mint, Xubuntu, and Lubuntu. I tried out Ubuntu proper, but it fell short when compared to the derivatives already mentioned. During my brief experimentation I found the Unity desktop manager to be tedious and non-intuitive.

I have really enjoyed learning more about Gnu/Linux. I like the community culture around Linux--where I feel like more of an "insider" than I generally do with Windows. In fact, due to some annoying quirks that Microsoft employs to "protect" itself from piracy, my fully licensed copy of Windows XP no longer functions on my desktop, which has pushed me over to Linux by necessity. I've been wanting to blog about these experiments for some time, as I believe encouraging more folks to try out Linux would be a really good thing. Same story where the Dvorak alternate keyboard layout is concerned. I have also encountered a number of cool programs and program types, many with Mac and Windows versions, along the way.

I am composing this blog entry with the ScribeFire plugin for Chrome/Chromium, via Lubuntu running off an 8 GB usb drive.

Cute little doggie, or bunny killer?

I started my annual house and pet sitting duties for my brother's family as they vacation in Europe. Alongside the bearded dragon, an aquarium full of groovy fish, three guinea pigs, two cats, and an cage full of feeder roaches (for the lizard), I get to hang out with the lovely Trudi, a smallish black dog who seems like a cross between some sort of terrier and a wiener dog. She is more comical than menacing. However, it turns out that she posseses something of a killer instinct.

During my first day of guardianship, the day before yesterday, Trudi and I were leaving my place, which happens to be right next to Trudi's place. No sooner had we stepped off the porch when the dog lunged into some brush next to it, apparently attracted to some movement there. Within a few seconds she emerged with a small furry animal that was larger than the field mice we frequently see around these parts. I was kind of horrified by the sight, but as the dog wasn't actually doing anything "wrong" I didn't feel a dramatic response was warranted. On the other hand, I didn't want the captured victim to be further traumatized--wondering if I was going to have to perform a "mercy killing."

I wish I had some dog treats on me as that would likely gotten Trudi to release the animal the quickest. I tried distracting her by throwing a stick, but the animal that she was chewing on at this point remained far more interesting to her. I finally forced its release by provoking a gag reflex with my fingers--at which point it was apparent that the bloodied animal was dead. I didn't recognize it right away; I was focused on dragging--yes, DRAGGING the dog away from the lifeless yet persistently fascinating critter, which turned out to be a baby rabbit. I carefully laid the bunny on a large rock nestled in some tall grass. It was missing by the following morning. Hopefully some coyote or crow got a meal out of it. Kind of sad to think that a bunny parent or sibling might have also encountered it.

The incident stuck with me until the end of the day. I am really fond of Trudi, and I realize she was only acting out of instinct. But I was upset that she killed that rabbit. I don't even like to kill flies that get into my house (but I will if they annoy me enough). I was also beating myself up for not being more clever in intervening.

A few days later, I have moved on. But I now recognize Trudi's bunny killer tendencies and will care for her with that in mind.

Cheers!

After nearly a month of no more Facebook...

First, a brief shout out to EROCx1 for following this pseudo-blog of mine, the only one of my former Facebook friends to do so.

It's been very interesting observing the sort of "hole" in my day-to-day since leaving FB nearly a month ago. My departure became official on May 15th, which was the "date of no return" after which I would no longer be able to restore my terminated account.

Although I had announced my intentions around deleting my account a couple weeks ahead of time, I've since learned that some people were unaware of my intentions, and that the less-sophisticated among them assumed they had been un-friended. This was a risk I was willing to take, obviously. I just figured that anyone close enough to me to matter would (eventually) discover what had happened.

Aside from all of that, I have been suffering some loss in the sense that a couple good "in real life" friends are very active on FB, and it was the primary method for me to keep abreast with the events in their lives. Consequently, I have been trying to adjust to the new situation.

These changes offer me the opportunity to restructure how i socialize online, while honoring my major concerns around services like Facebook. I currently envision being much more involved in blogging and the communities associated with the blog services I use. This is my most "public" blog, the one which will be the most "safe for work." There may be other blogs which I never mentioned on FB (unlike this one--which I had explicitly listed within my "info" on Facebook) that I now have more time to develop and enioy.

So it's been a bit of a mixed bag. I am committed to my decision to leave; it was the right thing for me to do on multiple levels. But I'm also feeling a bit "cut off" from some of the people I care about, and I need to sort out how best to remedy that.

In closing, I'd like to share a couple resources which helped inspire my decision to leave Facebook. A very interesting talk by Eben Moglen called Freedom in the Cloud became a sort of tipping point for me--despite the fact that it took me more than a year to leave FB after being inspired to do so. Another interesting article drew attention to some discomfort I had been experiencing with the social climate of FB from the very beginning (I opened my account in 2006, but didn't become active until 2008), and concerns the idea of "Faux Friends."

May you enjoy a beautiful now!

A Facebook "douche" no longer

It won't be official until May 14th, but I finally pulled the trigger on deleting my Facebook account. FB gives people two weeks to come to their senses (because only a fool or a loser would deprive herself of its many pleasures). Until that time my account will only appear as deactivated, something I've already done three or four times. But at least FB didn't try to guilt me into staying by posting pictures and phrases like "Bob Smith will miss you!" and "You will no longer get updates from Jane Doe. Are you sure?"

This was supposed to be my "Facebook-friendly" blog, but it seems only one of my FB buddies ever made their way here. (It's not as if I went out of my way to advertise it, if I'm completely honest.)

So, I won't be doing my Happy Dance over this until mid-May, but I'm glad I finally got off that fence.

Will I miss Facebook? Yes, I probably will. But all things considered, I feel that this is the right move for me. One of the likely side effects might be putting more energy into other ways of exchanging info, including this and other blogs I've set up. And there is also the possibility of a fake ID FB account for any of the info channels that might be on Facebook without alternatives outside of it.

Hopefully I'll find something worthwhile to do with all the time I've freed up as a result of this move. Maybe I'll stumble upon some really cool Zero-point energy solution, or write the next great American novel. A world of possibilities awaits!

Why I'm a douche on Facebook

I keep thinking that I'm about to escape from Facebook, so whatever I do there won't matter, at least, not for long. But, this is little excuse for being petty and childish.

I just "unfriended" a guy I actually know in real life because I took umbrage at his not responding to messages, texts, and emails going back several months. He was someone I met at a cafe last summer, but had "seen around" for a few years prior. We even met up a couple times after discovering we had a few common interests. But then it seemed that he was good friends with someone who doesn't like me very much, and I suspect this may explain why he stopped communicating with me.

Then there is the matter of my Landmark Educated, Bikram yoga teacher of an ex-girlfriend. We were last a couple in 1997, and after losing track of each other for a few years, we reconnected in 2001 and we seemed to enjoy a really nice platonic friendship for a few years, until things went south for us when my father died in 2007. I made the mistake of looking to her for emotional support, and she was not comfortable with that. I might even say that she resented it. She wasn't well-equipped for that when we were together, so I made a egregious error expecting emotional support from her years later.My error, I should say.

Then around 2009 I thought "What the heck? Why not see if she was on Facebook?" I found her and was delighted that she accepted my friendship request. We never discussed what happened in 2007, or 1997 for that matter. It was all really superficial, and that felt really weird to me. Still, I didn't make a fuss about it, and we occasionally "Liked" each others posts. At some point I thought it would be nice to have a real conversation with her. We used to chat on the phone regularly; I would help keep her awake during long drives she had to make returning home from work late at night. It was fun!

But things had changed since 2007 and I learned that she preferred keeping her distance this time around when she declined to share her phone number with me. I tried to accept the new status quo with her, and rolled with that for two years. However, last week I got fed up with the situation--so I unfriended her, convinced that she won't even notice.

While I know it's my prerogative whom I choose to have as a "Facebook Friend," I believe my unfriendly unfriending of people who disappoint me, who don't fulfill my lofty expectations, is a little on the sad, pathetic, petty side. I'm not proud of this, but it does seem to be my M.O.

These two are but the most recent examples. There have been 15 to 20 other former "friends" that I've similarly dropped since joining FB in 2006. I don't know if any of them noticed--but a few of them may have, and if they did, they may have even been hurt by my actions. I didn't even consider that possibility; I was so selfish concerned with my own pain, which, if I'm honest, was born out of my own loneliness and poor self-esteem issues. Eeek!!!

And now I'm sharing this pathos with the entire planet.

HUZZAH!!!