Oh boy, here we go again! (with less drama, this time)

I'm taking another break from Facebook. The last time, which was also the last time I posted here, lasted only a week. I suspect this will be the same...but maybe not. Let's see how this goes, shall we?

I say "with less drama" this time because the factors involved are less emotional, and I'm not in the kind of funk I was about Facebook privacy issues (but this still concerns me), or about so-called faux friends (although this idea continues to stir my evaluative imagination from time to time). I just felt like getting away for a bit. Like taking the phone off the hook, or going up to a mountain cabin for a week without phone, internet, whatever.

Since the previous post, and the week that followed, I made some changes to how I did Facebook. One of the first things I did upon my return was delete a bunch of people, about a third of my "friends" at that time. Most of these were people that were unresponsive--they either ignored personal efforts to directly communicate with them, or they never commented on what I contributed, whether it was to my own wall or to theirs. This applied to most of the cousins and other kin I removed, along with old college and high school chums. This felt so liberating. I think I hadn't done it sooner because I had some concerns about hurting their feelings, which ultimately translates to my (not very consciously) giving a shit what they thought about me--even though they never even acknowledged my existence in the first place. I'll probably due some more pruning whenever I go back on this break. This is a very good thing, for me.

Some of them were people I knew rather well at some point or another, but the years had not been so kind to our connection. There seemed to be a sort of brusqueness to the limited amount of exchange we managed to have. Not friendly. One person I deleted was a sort of "emotional milestone" for me in that she was a woman who once pursued me as a lover, and at the time I thought I was way out-classed by her. She was older, beautiful, creative, and she smelled really good. At first I couldn't understand why she would be interested in plain, old "me"! But in the short time that we hung out, I got to know her a little--enough to take her off her pedestal, and I decided that "Yes! I am worthy!" But...I was too late. She got bored with me, or whatever it was. I was haunted by that for many years since. The Goddess that got away. I thought that was all in the past when I ran into her after many years of being out of contact, and I broke down into tears when I saw her. She was very sweet with me. I hadn't recognized how deeply I felt, or how much I was still clinging to that dream. And eventually, we became friends on Facebook. But it was never very friendly. And I finally came to a place which said "Prem, it's OK to let her go. She's a beautiful being, living a beautiful life, and you can be happy for her...and let her go." And I have.

It's weird that a person's presence on some computerized social network list would have so much impact on us, but it's a self-selection sort of deal, isn't it? I mean, people who derive pleasure from Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, whatever have a sort of investment in the whole thing. For some it's probably only financial--they are busy marketing their wares. Others experience what might be called "community" in those spaces. And still others find these tools a convenient way to keep in touch with real life friends and family. There are surely other "categories" that could be thought up, and many of us might find ourselves in more than one. But people who only hear about Facebook and things like it, but have never done it themselves--they have no idea. And they might even laugh derisively at people who put so much stock into such things. But they wonder why people aren't as fascinated with their new living room set as they are...(because we all have a kind of "tunnel vision" don't we?)

I have to confess that there remains some "stickiness" around this break that am taking...a bit of "I'll show them" if you know what I mean. Oh? You DON'T? Well...oftentimes I assume that the world revolves around me. My world. My perspective. And everything I experience has me at the focal point. It's kind of natural, if illusory. Most people probably experience their lives this way, even though they can intellectually step outside this view and consider the possibility that the world doesn't actually revolve around them. One of the things that frustrates me about people, maybe because I'm guilty of it myself, is when their words are not backed up by actions. Again, these instances, the ones that concern me most, are the ones that involve ME. For example--people who continue to talk about how much they want to get together, or suggest that we meet for lunch or dinner, but then seem to avoid the subject as soon as I respond "Sure! When and where?" I have this sort of thing happening with four different people right now.

One of them is probably my best friend in terms of being someone who I actually spend a fair amount of time with. She gets a pass on this one. She's really busy, and just because I wish we could get together more often and I get frustrated by her communication style (she prefers texting to talking), the years have proven her to be a real friend, and so I just need to cultivate some patience with her, and more importantly, with myself.

The others are an ex-girlfriend, a former co-worker from over 20 years ago, and an "almost friend" I've known for over 10 years who seems to like me, but also seems to keep me at a "safe distance" at the same time.

I haven't seen the "ex" since before I moved to Mexico in 2000. We've been in email contact since that time. Every so often she has suggested that it would be nice if we got together for coffee, or a meal--but in each instance when I respond with my phone numbers and some times and dates, I don't hear anything back from her. I just figured she got busy or changed her mind. That is, until it happened a couple more times over the years. Now I'm wondering whether she needs me to take charge of the situation? I just thought of this as I was typing here today. My own imagination had been running along other lines--that maybe she didn't want to make her current boyfriend uncomfortable, or something? (I know she has a boyfriend, but she doesn't mention him very often--publicly or privately. So I don't know what kind of a relationship they have.) Truth is, I have no idea what's going on, with her, or the other folks that I'm feeling "sticky" around. But the MIND wants to have explanations, reasons...answers to the question "Why?" A really good friend of mine, someone I feel very close to, but have never met, has been a sort of "big sister" when it comes to my emotional process, and she challenges me every time I want to know the "Why?" of a situation. I wish I could remember how she said it to me as it was rather eloquent. I don't think I would do it justice if I tried. Suffice to say, she suggested that in matters of the heart, the "Why" factor is meaningless...or pointless. I think she's onto something there. And yet, I keep catching myself, wanting to know "Why?"

Similarly, I don't really know what's going on with the others, not enough to give my mind the explanation of "Why?" it demands. The facts at their simplest is that they've expressed some interest in getting together or being in closer/more frequent contact, but don't appear ready or willing to move that along when offered. That's pretty much, IT. And it's my own loneliness or whatever that infuses the situation with all the extra drama and the "need" for explanations of their behavior. Putting the shoe on the other foot--I'd hate to have to explain all the things I do, or choose not to do, especially when it comes to "demands" that are made by others.

Ultimately, all this stuff really does revolve around me, because it's in my head. It's up to me on how I frame it. Framing it in terms of other people being unreliable or flaky is not a very beautiful thing. It is unkind of me to do so. That's not how I want to be. I wouldn't want someone else doing that to me. Perhaps it is worthwhile to recognize that it happens, though? To peer into it a bit with a bit of awareness so that whatever programming, conditioning, whatnot that underlies it doesn't, well...run amok!

And that really boils down to the basic principle that seems to make all the difference to my quality of life, anyway--becoming more conscious and more present.

Namaste.

Faux Realization or Real Irony?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know. I never hardly write anything here. Suck it up. I'm writing. Here. Now.

I deactivated my Facebook account a couple days ago. It seemed the right time. While I love (or at least, like very much) Facebook, and had been able to craft it into a form that sort of "worked" for me, I didn't like the way it was occupying my consciousness. It was kind of distracting, without delivering enough in return.

I'll try to explain.

I never spent a lot of actual time on Facebook, at least, not compared to the amount of time Facebook had occupied my consciousness, my attention. My modus operandi was to jump on from time-to-time, see what was happening, and if someone wrote me or responded to something I posted or wrote, I'd take a look at it. Usually I'd spend 20-30 minutes checking videos or pages shared by other people, and sometimes pass them along. But that was about it.

Yet...every 5 to 10 minutes I'd find myself interrupting my work (or non-work) if I was near a computer or web connection, just to see if anyone sent me anything or otherwise acknowledged my existence of Facebook. It was kind of ridiculous...because most of the time, there was no cute little red icon up in the main menu bar to greet me...and I would feel a little "let down" as a result. This kind of thing is evidence of some sort of psychological dependency. I may have been feeling "great" before checking my page, but as soon as I was reminded how unimportant I am, I would feel a little bummed out.

Neurotic, this.

Of course, there were remedies. Instead of being full of Self I could reach out to others--and then...they'd eventually reach back. A kind of passive-aggressive quid pro quo in a sense. Oh sure, I shared many things un-cynically as well...and it was gratifying to learn that some of these things enriched the lives of others. Did I mention that I quite like (almost love) Facebook?

But then a friend shared an interesting article, that really got me thinking. The article is a bit sloppy and self-indulgent. The author sort of "whines" throughout, and I discovered he comes off just as annoyingly in a radio interview I found about his article. Nevertheless, he raises some interesting points, made all the more interesting by the fact that the person sharing the article seemed to illustrate much of the stuff the author criticized about Facebook, even as my friend was claiming to change his own approach based on it.

A few words about my friend. At one point, he really did seem like a real friend. Not my best friend, but a friend I spent time with, had meals with, partied with, and even was a guest in his home. We had a falling out over some problems I had with a mutual friend about seven years ago, and being more loyal and connected to our mutual friend than he was to me, he ended our friendship and refused further contact from me.

That smarted, quite a bit at the time, 'cause I really liked this guy. He was cool, and we had certain things in common that his other friend, the one I had problems with, didn't. Every so often I would try to contact this person, but never heard back from him. Then back in April or May this year I found him on Facebook, and I thought I would take a risk and see if he was willing to be friends there. I was delighted that not only did he accept my friend request, but it seemed all the animosity he once had for me had disappeared and he sounded authentically pleased to be back in contact with me again. I was really happy about this.

In fact, I made a point to visit him at his job one time when I was in the neighborhood. I asked if it was OK--I didn't just show up. And he was excited to see me. Because he was working it was a short visit, but we hugged, exchanged phone numbers, and he encouraged me to call him sometime. Awesome.

Meanwhile, on Facebook, he would include me in invites to share a great bottle of wine he had, or enjoy a meal together, and so on. But oddly enough, whenever I would raise the subject in a private message on Facebook, I would be ignored. And when I would try calling him, per his invitation to do so, he would never answer his phone, nor would he call me back. Hmmmm... I wondered what this was all about? Why invite me to hang out or chat on the phone, and then appear to dodge those things. As an experiment I tried texting his phone, and he got right back to me. So...texting was OK; talking...not so much.

Occasionally when I would call, leave a message, and not hear anything back, I'd wonder if I had somehow rubbed this person the wrong way. After all, he kind of dumped me without any explanation or discussion once upon a time...might he not do so again? But then I'd receive positive comments about something I shared or wrote, and even occasional references about still wanting to talk on the phone or get together. Finally, I thought I had accepted that this guy just wasn't into it, or at least, not ready for it, and was also incapable of telling me so, plainly and directly. It was kind of disappointing trying to square the person of integrity I thought I knew with the person I was seeing who kept writing checks with their words that their actions betrayed zero intention of cashing.

When he posted the article on Faux Friendship on Facebook, I thought he would be appreciative of my efforts to honor his desire to have more real relationships outside the somewhat artificial ones fostered by Facebook and similar services. So...I tried calling him, One. More. Time.

I referenced his recent comments about "faux friendship" and that I hoped he had the makings of a real friendship, and that I was ready and able to meet him for coffee, or a meal or whatever. I thought, for sure, he would respond this time.

But no...it's been nearly a week and I haven't heard a thing back from him.

And I'm kind of annoyed with myself that I put so much energy into hoping our friendship was real and worth putting some effort into. I don't fault my perhaps-faux friend. I'm sure he's doing the best he can with whatever is going on in his life. I don't even want to question his integrity the way I have. I've given him opportunities to explain himself, and where he can be really chatty and communicative about other things, he is oddly silent on this subject. I just don't get it. Why share a phone number and say you want to get together, and then avoid the subject wherever and whenever it comes up? I mean, you could at least say--"I'm really busy right now." Or "I need to wait for the right time" or whatever.

A few days before he posted the article, someone tagged him in a photo with his dog. Now, I had heard a lot about this pooch and seen quite a few photos on my friend's page indicating how much he loved this dog etc. Just for fun, I decided to remain true to my commitment to stop pressing my "friend" about his offer to get together or talk on the phone. Instead I would comment that it would be fun to meet his dog. Kind of sneaky of me, because I was trying to see if this might provoke yet another offer or comment about wanting to get together in the flesh...and surprise, surprise. It did. He said that he'd love for me to meet his dog, and he would love to see me too.

Really?

If that were true, I would think you might respond to my proposals to get together, or accept a call from me, or call me back, even.

There were other similar cases on Facebook. It just so happens that his was the most ironic. I have a few other "friends" who say they "miss seeing me" but when I suggest getting together, they don't respond. Ever. Then a few weeks will go by and I hear from them again, and it's as if they don't remember that we've already covered this ground, I offered to get together, they ignored me, and I may have even mentioned that it was weird that they would keep coming back and telling me they missed me, but didn't seem interested in actually doing something.

Of course, I have to be honest and recognize that I'm sensitive to this kind of bullshit because I've been guilty of it in the past. I'm much better about it these days--not perfect, but somewhat reformed. And you know how intolerant former smokers can be of people who still smoke, right? Maybe it's like that. I'm uptight with people pretending to be my close friend because I was similarly disingenuous with others in the past. I don't know. Maybe this is true?

In any event, getting off Facebook will be a "good thing" for me. Even if I miss it, which I do. And I think it will accomplish one more thing, beyond getting the Facebook monkey off my back. It will prove, once and for all, that some f these "friends" who I know in real life, but who now seem incapable of relating to me in any form outside of Facebook...that they are not my friends, in any sense of the word, and I can let them go, in peace, wishing them well on their respective journeys, and hopefully, without resentment on my part.

Because, ultimately--my experience, all of it, is my responsibility and no one else's.

Getting Deleted from other people's FB (and MySpace) Friends Lists

The other day I happened upon some pics on Facebook where a couple old high school chums that are current FB friends were tagged. But when I checked out the photos, I realized they had been posted by another classmate who, once-upon-a-time, was one of my FB friends, but now was not. Basically, he had "un-friended" me and I wasn't aware of it.

I know people delete "friends" all the time. In fact, after being on MySpace and Facebook for several years, I had gotten to the point where I didn't give it much thought. But, in the earlier days I would take it "personally". Like, "What did I do to piss them off?" and such.

Over time I learned that I removed people for various reasons, ranging from people I was not on good terms with (ex-lovers, maybe) to people that never seemed to have any connection to me in the first place. And if I don't notice the status change, then we probably didn't have all that much to do with each other to begin with. So, no harm, no foul.

So, in this latest instance, it was pretty much the same. I have no idea when "Mitch" deleted me. It could have been months ago. And I notice my friend count dropping and then returning periodically anyway--so I just figure it's people de-activating, the re-activating their accounts...because you can do that in FB. And with over 200 "friends" on FB (not a large number in the grand scheme of things) it's a bit hard to tell who is still there and who is not. So I don't usually think about it. I'd only get concerned if one of my closer friends disappeared. From the user standpoint, all that happens is that a certain "friend" disappears from one's own list. They could have de-activated or canceled their account. But if you can still find their profile, or see posts they make on mutual friends' walls, then you know they deleted you from their list.

The irony about "Mitch" was that I didn't even remember him from high school, not by name, at least. I don't think we had any classes together, except maybe P.E. at some point. When he first did a friend request, I didn't accept him--as I had no idea what our connection was. So I messaged him back and asked who he was. He explained that he was trying to "friend" everyone in our graduating class. Through him I found a whole bunch of other people--who are all still on my friends list. So I got to give the guy props for that. And we are still "mutual friends" of all of them, so...the only person he deleted (amongst that group) was me.

I wonder why?

(But I'm not losing any sleep about it. Honestly.)

So why am I writing about it? I don't know. Something to muse upon, I suppose.

I've been trying to practice The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and there are a couple that readily apply to my "curiosity" in this instance.

Agreement #2: Don't take anything personally.

I'm not "upset" by Mitch deleting me, but I must have some sort of "attachment" around it, or else I wouldn't even be writing any of this, or thinking the thoughts which inspired me to write. So, on some level, I must be taking this "personally".

Then there is Agreement #3: Don't make assumptions.

Try as I might, I find myself wondering--are my spiritual quotes or occasional pro-entheogenic postings getting under Mitch's born-again Christian skin? I have other born-again FB friends, and while some are willing to discuss our differences of religion, most folks prefer not to discuss such matters. Or maybe Mitch was just doing some "house-cleaning" and was deleting people he had no real relationship with. And aside from some mutual friends, we really didn't have much in common. We never wrote on each other's wall or commented on each other's posts. Nothing happening there, at all, ever.

So it's fine. When I finally saw a picture of Mitch from high school, I remembered him. We were not buds. But we weren't friends either. Whether he was a "stoner" or not, that's how I saw him in those days. Ironically, I had a reputation for being a "Jesus Freak" in high school, even thought that period was confined to junior high. Little did most of my old Oxford Junior High School friends know that I was experimenting with marijuana and hawaiian woodrose seeds from 10th grade on....and more exotic stuff once I got to university.

I'm "at peace" with it all, and only write about it to share my "process" of wondering, projecting, etc. These are things we all do, in a flash of an eye, without even being aware that we are doing it. Part of my growth process focuses on become more and more conscious, period, and consequently, more conscious of judging and projecting.

It's interesting stuff.

And Mitch, if you happen to come across this: Thanks! Even though we weren't friends in high school, your initiative helped me find a number of friends from those days.

Namaste.

it begins again...

Howdy Space Fans! This is, like....the 27th blog I've started. Let's see how long this one lasts?

I'm inspired to create a space that I can share with my Facebook comrades, a motley crew which includes lefty college mates from Berkeley and fundamentalist Christian family in the mid-west.

Here will be a "fewer holds barred" zone as compared to FB, where I tend to "play nice" when it comes to sharing what I really think about things. While I may elect to rant on things political, I'm more likely to write about what books I'm reading, what films I've seen, which people intrigue me, and things of that nature.

I hope it will be a 'salon' for exchanging ideas--and where my own perspectives will be altered through the give-and-take which will hopefully transact here.

But even if it only amounts to me standing on my soapbox, alone in Hyde Park, it's all good...as it can be medicinal, if not curative, to vent, rant, and rave on occasion.

Let the games begin.

Ally OOP!!!!