The last time I was in a relationship, and coincidentally, the last time I had sex with someone other than myself, was 2008. It was also supposed to be the last time I would ever get involved with someone I met online. As you might guess, it didn't turn out well. She was a lovely London-based artist and yogini that I met via MySpace and Facebook the year before. We were emotionally-entangled before we ever physically met, which set the stage for a very awkward week together when we finally did. Although our hearts and minds were game, something was missing on the physical plane.
I now believe that biochemical compatibility plays a stronger role in bonding with another than I previously assumed. It may even be more about the "energy" that accompanies physical presence. I cannot say for sure. But after that experience I decided that I would tread more carefully in the future where online love connections were concerned.
For awhile I was kind of resigned to being alone. After all, I don't feel particularly lonely, and am somewhat solitary by nature. Were I to die today, I would have few regrets, particularly were loving and sexing are concerned. I've loved and been loved by some really amazing people, and been through most of the peaks and valleys that come with being intimate with someone, including making a life together.
Still, there's an unacknowledged yearning that I usually don't even notice unless I'm in the presence of someone I find myself particularly attracted to--a hint of magic, or some powerful intoxicant of "possibility" which may be more romantic projection than something perceived. Whatever it is, something awakens in me at that moment and I realize that maybe I'm not done with love (in the romantic sense) after all.
So for the past several years I've been kind of tuning out any ideas about being with someone again, despite the occasional heart pangs I just described. I kind of figured if/when the "right" person came along, I'd just know it. Until then, best not think too much about it. And that's where I've been at with "dating" for the past five years or so.
But when a very good friend of mine in Ireland was recently lamenting the end of a long-term relationship, and how hard it was for her to meet quality men, I thought of OK Cupid, because I had recently seen some mention of it in HBO's brilliant drama The Newsroom. I might have heard something about OKC before, but I didn't give it a serious look. I thought it was just another E-Harmony or Match.com. When the aim of helping out my friend, I signed up for an account--thinking I could better "sell her" on the idea if I poked around a bit myself.
I kind of got "sucked in" by it, to be honest. I was impressed by how well-designed it was. It seemed rather smart in how it set up matches and encouraged people to risk reaching out to people they found interesting. I've been playing around with it for a week now, and still haven't reported my findings back to my friend, because my research now involves my "real life." I'm actually finding it all sort of fun and intriguing.
I mentioned on one of the iterations of my profile (I keep changing it) that I feel like I may be too much a "work in progress" to attract the interest of the kind of women I might be interested in. This is a theme I'm likely to focus on a lot as I wade more deeply into OK Cupids mysterious waters. I sort of see this a long-term project that becomes part of the even larger enterprise of re-creating my own life into the "life of my dreams," something I've lacked the courage to even attempt up to now.
I used to think that I need to "better myself" to a certain level before I'd even entertain dating again. But as there is no defined end point, such a day may never come. It wouldn't be that big a deal given I claim that I don't "need" to be with anyone to be happy. (I truly believe this.) On the other hand, why can't meeting new people, maybe delighting some of them with my unique presence, and being delighted and challenged in turn, be part of the journey?
After all, NOW is all there is. (Eckhart Tolle space, for the initiates among you.)
This is but an introduction. I'd like to pop in here from time-to-time, I don't know how often, to reflect upon my OKC adventures. I haven't set any sort of editorial policy as yet with respect to what I might write about. For example, how specific can I get here? I'm inclined to protect the anonymity of OKC people I interact with--although I may want them to be able to recognize themselves, even though others might not so easily.
Finally--I am currently limited in that I have a free account, and have elected not to know who looks at my profile. So if you want me to notice you, rate me and/or message me.
Much love to you all, and may you find what you are looking for--be it on OK Cupid or elsewhere!
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