When a friendship is challenged by someone's "other half"

(I originally wrote this in April 2013 - the last time I hung out with the people described below was December 31, 2012. I left it as a draft all this time. As I'd like to write about some other things here soon, so I thought I'd just "pull the trigger," and publish it. I still haven't cleared the air with these people.)

I know a very nice man who I thought could be a good friend. When we met he was in a long-distance relationship with a woman who lived almost two thousand miles away, but had once shared a house with her.

About six months into our friendship, she moved back in with him, and things changed.

He loves her dearly, and I can see that he really appreciates having her around. Unfortunately, she doesn't care much for me, although she tries hard to tolerate me.

However, the last time I saw them (it's almost always "them" now that she's living with him again), things didn't go so well. She made an amazing dinner, and I told her so. But somehow we ended up in a private conversation while my friend was occupied with his kids, who were visiting that night. Something I said, the way I said it, or maybe my mere presence set her off. I felt really unwelcome, not sure of what I had done, or how I could "fix" it. I felt to leave, but as this would have made matters worse--because I was an invited guest that evening, I decided to linger a it bit so there wouldn't be an obvious causal relationship between her upset and my leaving.

A day or two later I emailed her to see how she was doing, and to apologize for not being more "tuned-in" to where she was at, as some greater sensitivity on my part might have kept her bad feelings from escalating to the point where she had to cry out in frustration and leave the room for some minutes.

She replied to my email, explaining that she wasn't feeling well that night, which may have contributed to what went wrong a couple days before. With language that felt a bit "stern" (but maybe just "emphatic") she gave me a list of things I could do differently in the future--like speaking more slowly and pausing more to give her a chance to speak. I grant that I was going at a different pace than she, but I did, in fact make an effort to hear her responses--and I can recall several of them. I was asking her questions, a lot of the, frankly, because I didn't understand the point she was trying to make. So I found it a bit weird that she didn't think she was given an opportunity to respond, but I may be thinking of a different part of the conversation than she, and I've already admitted that I was aware of not being "in tune" with her, not least of which in terms of pacing.

But then she made the following comment that kind of threw me for a loop:

On another note, I perceive that we have widely differing views, particularly on sexuality and gender, and you often speak as though you assume I think as you do.  I find I often don't. 

The reason being is that I have zero recollection of discussing such things with her. In fact, aside from the "how's it going?" variety, I suspect I could count all the conversations I've ever had with her on one hand. So it's a bit weird to imagine she has such as clear idea of our "widely differing views" on "sexuality and gender." WTF?

I was so astonished because I have some rather complex views on these subjects, and I'm pretty sure I never even discussed them in much of any depth with her boyfriend, let alone with her. I don't speak of women casually as "sex kittens" or as being "only good for one thing" either, because I don't believe that, and I find such talk kind of boring.

So what did she mean? I was was so gob-smacked by the implicit offense, and the passive-aggressive way she seemed to be communicating it, that I didn't bother to challenge or directly question where she came up with the idea. Instead I complained that I was being accused of crossing some sort of a boundary that was never shared with me--as if I was just supposed to "know" where it was. And had I known, I could have taken more care around such subjects. (But as I said--I have no recollection of ever discussing such matters with her.) She didn't explain her position further, only to say she appreciated that I "heard her" and that I meant no harm.

But...what I do recall is sharing the fact with her boyfriend, a couple months before she moved back in with him,  that several years ago I once paid for the services of a very lovely Venezuelan M2F sex worker in Amsterdam (prostitution is legal there). I know some feminists have very strong views on the subject of sex work, and according to them--the fact that I paid a woman for sex makes me a "rapist." (The fact that this "woman" was technically a man further confuses matters--as some transphobic feminists deny transsexual women their rights as "women," with almost hateful scorn.) I didn't know what my friend's partner's sexual politics were. She did describe an incident that she and my friend had been in recently where there were more men than women, as feeling a little "unsafe." That's telling, in retrospect. But in all honesty, I don't really know.

I could have it all wrong, frankly.

In any event, I'm not feeling particularly warm and fuzzy about either of them. Her remark, being perceived as "passive-aggressive," and weirdly so, makes me want to steer clear of her. And the prospect that my friend shares details of my life that might better be shared by me in person with someone who has such strong, emotional reactions to them kind of challenges my trust in him. This, added to the fact that he became much less "available" (which I understand--we've all been there) once his girlfriend was back living with him, has made it easier to keep my distance.

I imagine eventually I will "get over myself" with this, but that day hasn't arrived just yet.